I've been thinking a lot about permanence. What is it? When is life stable? When it is "time" to make decisions, to make commitments? For several years I have wanted to get a second dog but I haven't because things are still "in flux." So there is a voice in me that says it would be irresponsible of me to get another dog at this point. I mean, I don't know with whom I am going to live, where I am going to live, I will leave SB at some point.... Getting another dog now would be irresponsible. It would complicate things. Then another part of me asks how much harder is it to have 2 than 1? Is it really twice the work? If I have to find a place that allows 100lbs of dog, is 150 or 170 lbs going to be that much more difficult? I don't know the answers to these questions.

The "not ready yet," "not a good time," "things are still in flux" hesitations is probably part of the reason why Jimmy and I never had kids. I think we might have been waiting until everything was right. Since we didn't stay together and he now lives in "el sur del mundo," perhaps it is good that we did wait. Maybe waiting was the best we could do.

I feel like my life is on hold. I feel stagnant. I'm in a holding pattern. I came to SB figuring it would be for about 5 years -- long enough to get vested in the retirement plan. Well kids, Nov 1, 2007 will be my 5 year anniversary (yes, I expect flowers and cake - not). So this means that now I'm just waiting (oooo that word again) for something to open. Waiting for an opportunity. Waiting for a desirable position to be posted. I knew SB was temporary because I can't afford to buy a house here and the library is not going to be what I want long term. So I haven't wanted to make any long-term commitments about anything. Well, I guess the body modifications are long-term commitments. Xima said that to me tonight. She said, "You know, deciding to get a tattoo shouldn't be easier than deciding to get a dog." Interesting observation. And a lot of truth to it. But I haven't been willing to commit to a relationship long-term. And perhaps this whole dog drama is just a reflection of that.

I need to remember the lesson I learned in Grad School when I was getting my MA in Religious Studies. Todd Sullivan was a doctoral student who had just finished his quals when he was killed over Christmas break in a freak accident. Freak because it was one of those car v stationary object (due to black ice) and he died and no one else in the car was even injured. I had been going through the grad school motions saying, "It will be better when this semester is over." "It will be better when I'm done with the MA and in the PhD." I realized the "it will be better when..." was a never-ending cycle. A trap. Samsara. I looked around and I heard, "It will be better after my quals." "It will be better after my defense." "It will be better when I have a tenure-track position." "It will be better when I have tenure." "It will be better when I am a Full Professor." "Ug. I can't wait to retire." And I thought STOP!!! This is crazy! I realized that Todd just died. He was working hard on his quals and told me he had been ignoring his girlfriend and that he regretted that and was going to make it up to her -- "We'll have so much more time after my quals." Well you know what? They didn't. He didn't. No time after his quals. He died. Game over. And I realized that you can't live a sucky now just in the hopes of a better tomorrow. There has to be some give to that. There might not be a tomorrow so do what you can to make now not suck.

That is why I decided not to pursue the phD in RS. I need to relearn that lesson. There are many cliches about it but things like "bloom where you are planted" tend to encourage complacency. I'm not talking about complacency. I'm talking about knowing on a deep level the truth behind, "Life is what happens to you when you're busy making other plans." I guess it's time I brush off my Tolle Power of Now. Was it in a Richard Bach book where there is some quote about how learning is really just remembering what we already know?

Alright. I am now stringing together self-help and self-motivation quotes (sorry John Lennon to associate you with those). I guess that means it's time for bed. But these are things I need to think more about.