I've written about this before but I wanted to flesh (pun intended) the idea out a bit more. Please bare with me. No, seriously, this is a serious topic so I'd like to write about it.

I want to be totally naked with someone. And that means to be totally me. That means where I don't have to have any walls or guards or censor anything I say or do. Sexually it means complete trust so I can just be there and trust -- really know -- that I'm going to enjoy anything and everything my partner might decide to do to -- with -- me. I haven't felt that sexual trust with G ever. The beginning of our relationships pretty much set the tone and determined that I never would. And often I had to be paying attention and say "uh... condom!" or tell him that I wasn't wet enough or that he needed to be more gentle. That meant I had to constantly be aware of what he might try to do so I could head off the pass if necessary. I don't want that. Sexually I want to know that my partner will never do anything that would hurt me and then I could disconnect my brain and just go with it. With J there was a spot on his upper thigh that I couldn't touch cuz it was way too sensitive and was ticklish to the point of pain. So I had to be careful. Always. I want to be fully conscious -- mindful -- during sexual intimacy but not vigilant or cautious. That's an aspect of nakedness.

I also want a place where I feel totally emotionally safe. I guess that's unconditional love. A place where I know no matter what else happens in my day, in my life, that I have a refuge and that I can just be there. No pretenses. No masks. No anything but me. And there I can be accepted. I also want to know -- deeply, truly know that I am that refuge for someone else. That another person is looking forward to being able to be himself with me and that he trusts me enough to not act like anything or try to be anything other than himself. That he will just be naked with me. And we can just see and see through each other. And then with that person I can talk about anything. I don't have to censor myself or even try to word things a certain way. I could talk about fears -- even if they are fears about the relationship -- and have my words met with love and support but not with defensiveness or hurt or anger. And I want to be confident enough that I can hear those same words from someone else and respond only with love and support and never with ego. Yes. A place where there is no ego.

And I want to not have to censor myself linguistically. If the word I think of is in Spanish, I want to be able to use that word. If the thoughts and feelings I have are best translated from Anne into speech that is multisyllabic, I don't want to have to dumb them down. I don't mind having to explain the Spanish or even the English to my partner as long as my partner is going to be able to get it. And I want my partner to feel uncensored. To use the words or language that best describe his inner self to me. And for me to have the confidence and the trust to ask for clarification if I need it and for him to have the patience and love to offer clarification without judgment.

I've already written about how I don't have a home. All of these things I am describing, if I were to find this space that I am describing then I would be "home."

But I also know that first I have to give this space, love and support to myself. I don't trust Anne enough yet -- yet -- to be naked with her. With me. Once I figure out how to do that then I can offer naked Anne to a partner who will deserve and cherish her. And once I learn how to love and support naked Anne, I can offer that love and support to another. Without ego.

I'm spending some time with my niece and nephew and I feel like they really need me now more than ever. It makes me kind of wish I had gotten the Emory job so I could be closer. But I found out that Phil has to go to take pee tests for drugs cuz he got pulled over a couple of months ago (March?) and the cops found a busted crack pipe in his car. So he got arrested for having paraphernalia in the car. I wasn't told because I don't live anywhere nearby. I am out of the loop. So distance has its rewards. But I am worried about the kids. I'll write more later about the conversations I had with them about their father but now I want to talk about other conversations.

Back in December when I was here for Xmas my nephew made some comment that he would like to go to Church more often but that the adults are "too busy" or something like that and no one takes him even though he has asked. Now my parents who go to Mass every Sunday as well as all Holy Days of Obligation regardless of where on the planet they are heard their grandson express that he wants religion and is being denied it and kind of got upset. My father sent an email to my sister-in-law commenting that grandson had said he wants to go to Church and that if a child wants to go to Church the parents should take him. Or something like that. I read the email and it wasn't as confrontational as I wrote it just now, but it could be read that way by someone who is feeling defensive. And my father's timing was poor. Go back and read my posts from January about my brother being Baker-acted and you'll see why my sister-in-law was a little stressed out at the time. So she sends this email back to my folks saying that she did not "appreciate any manipulation of MY children" and she said, "I know they are your grandchildren but they are MY children. I don't want to have to ban unaccompanied or overnight visits but I will if necessary." Ban overnight visits? Ban unaccompanied visits? Shit. I thought it was just Aunt Anne who was the problem. Guess not. It really pissed me off to learn that my sister-in-law was being such an ungrateful bitch to my parents. Without them she (and her mother) and that whole family would be homeless. The only reason why she's NOT homeless is because my parents want access to the grandkids. And she's going to threaten them? My mother sent a conciliatory message to her saying that my nephew had been commenting on the music played at my parents' church and how he was bummed that he hadn't been there Xmas morning to hear his grandfather and aunt sing with the choir. She said that she understood his longings to be more musical than religious. My mother had to eat a lot of crow to write that.

So tonight my nephew told me, "Aunt Anne? Last time when we saw you I said that I wanted to go to Church and you sent Mom and email and she got really upset with me. She said I made her look like a bad parent." Oh god. The poor kid got REPRIMANDED for wanting to go to Church. And for telling his grandparents and his aunt (who also happens to be his GODMOTHER) this. I told him that I had not written to his mother but that grandpa had. I wasn't trying to hang my father out to dry but I want the kids to know that Aunt Anne isn't going to tell on them. For anything.

My nephew told me that sometimes older kids in the neighborhood say things to the kids. Sometimes they say sexual things and he'll come home and ask what they meant because he doesn't understand and his mother freaks out and demands to know where he heard the words. He said she accuses him of watching tv programs they aren't allowed to watch or thinks his friends are saying those things and wants to know which friends (presumably to ban contact) and she doesn't understand that a 10 year old kid is going to hear those things on the street. I told him that I will never freak out and that while I love him and want to protect him, it's different than how his mom wants to protect him. I told both my niece and nephew that if they ever want to know anything they can ask me. And I will tell them. I said, "I figure if you're old enough to ask the question, you're old enough to hear the answer." My nephew repeated that he didn't want to make his mom sound like a bad parent. I told him that he wasn't (even though in a way he totally is because his comments show just how unconscious and fear-based her responses are) but that he was just saying that she wants to protect him and is afraid of him growing up.

My niece starts middle school in 2 weeks. She's afraid of that. She said that on the bus the middle school kids tease other kids and that older kids found a used condom and made a neighbor kid breathe through it. I said, "A used condom?" She said, "yeah." I said, "Do you even know what a condom is?" She said, "I kinda figured it out." I said, "Really." She said, "Yeah, it's to prevent the semen from going into the vagina so she doesn't get pregnant." I said, "Ok. Sounds like you figured it out!" Damn. She'll be 12 at the end of September. I didn't know what a condom was at that age. She'll be in 6th grade and middle school is 6-8. This means she's going to be exposed to what kids in the midst of puberty are going through. It's going to be rough.

I told them that when we moved from Indiana to Wisconsin I had a similar situation. In Indiana I went to a k-6 school and I was in 6th grade. I wasn't exposed to more mature kids; I was in the highest grade of the school. Then in the middle of that year we moved to Wisconsin and I was in a k-8 school where 6-8 was in one wing. All of the sudden I'm with girls who are shaving their legs. Girls are wearing bras and I'm like, "You don't have anything to put in it yet!" I told both niece and nephew this I said, "They didn't even have boobs yet and they were wearing bras which meant I had to wear a bra and I hated that." I told them about Freddy Jump coming up to me in the cafeteria when I was in 6th grade. Freddy was an 8th grader but had been adopted by a family in Manitowoc (he was from El Salvador, I think) and had missed a few grades so he was probably about 17 but in 8th grade. He asked me, "Do you like it?" I said, "Do I like what?" He said, "You know, it." I said, "What?" He said, "You know, sex. Do you like sex?" I nearly choked. I didn't know what to say. I was the new kid and I didn't want to look uncool but I also was only 12 and what the heck was going on? I tried to be nonchalant and I said, "I have nothing against it" hoping that that was the right answer. I told my niece and nephew that there was NO WAY I was going to go home from school and tell my MOM that some 17 year old 8th grader had just asked her 12 year old daughter if she liked sex. No way. She would have freaked out. I said that similar things are going to happen to them in school, especially middle school. And that they are going to hear things and wonder about things and be afraid that if they told their mom she would freak out. I said, "She might just pop and there would be fragments of your mom all over the walls and windows." I told them that they can always tell me or ask me about those kinds of things.

We also talked about puberty. I asked niece if she has gotten her period yet. The kids here are told about that at the end of 4th grade! What kid between 4th and 5th grade gets her period? Do they really need to know that then? Anyway, last summer she was wigged out about it. So I asked if it had happened in the past year. She said, "A couple of times I thought maybe I had gotten my period but it turns out I pushed too hard when I was pooping." Oh god. The innocence of that answer. Wow. She has already started to get moody. Her brother commented on that. So I wanted to let them know that puberty is hard. But that it is survivable. I said that hormones can cause mood swings. I said, "It still happens sometimes to me. I get all mad and irrational and I know I'm being irrational and that I'm mad for no reason but I just can't help it." I told my nephew that his sister was going to be moody sometimes. And I warned my niece that when you get a bunch of hormonal girls together who are moody, they can be downright mean. But that it is temporary.

I really hope that these kids know that I will not judge them when they ask me things. I don't know how else to be there for these kids especially when I'm not here. But I do think they are going to need it.

I would also like to think that perhaps this level of openness and honesty doesn't have to be only from an aunt. I would like to think that perhaps when I have kids someday I can be open enough to talk this way with them and to establish this kind of relationship. I think it is possible. Especially once I have the succeeded at being naked with myself, and found my "home", I think I will be able to give what needs to be given to be that kind of parent. I do realize, however, that kids at that age might just not trust their parents and that the kids might need that one-step-away trustworthy adult to confide in. So perhaps my readiness won't be enough.

I just want to hug those kids until they pop. I love them dearly and I really feel for them. Life is going to be rough. I'll write more about the other Big News the kids had this past week when I get a chance. It's late now. I need to sleep.