So I guess it is past due for me to write again. What else happened when I saw my ex? A lot of odd things. I wonder how well he really knew me. At the time I assumed he knew me better than anyone. But the comment about how I used to talk to my mother was weird. When he started with that I thought he would say something about the stories he heard about when I was a snotty teenager. But I was 22 when J & I started going out. His memory and mine are quite different. A couple of my friends have opined that he is an asshole. I don't believe that. Perhaps I refuse to believe that. I think the most honest truth is that a part of me is still in love with a part of him. That doesn't mean that I am in love with him. It's just fragmented. I wonder if this is a normal way to feel about one's ex. I wonder what normal is and why I care whether or not I am.

So how well did I really know him? Everything I know about having a dog I learned from him. We adopted a 7 week old puppy in Feb 1998. We believed that a dog should be part of the family. We believed that as humans companions we have an obligation to train the dog to make it a civilized part of the family. We spent a lot of money and time training our hairy kid -- years of obedience classes (he was in classes with dogs who were competing in obedience rings), agility classes... And it has paid off: Shiva is a great dog. Aside from being food crazy, he is really well-behaved and predictable. J's sister had a dog that she got rid of because "it wasn't trained." We were both shocked by this and said to each other that it wasn't the dog's fault but the people's fault... His brother got rid of a dog because "it had too much energy" and we were both in agreement that adopting a dog was a lifetime commitment (dog's life, not people's). How is all this relevant? Bear with me.

Forward to Jan 2001. J & I went to Chile (I think we flew on Dec 25th) for New Year's and a conference that he wanted to attend (perhaps the conference was in Valdivia?). We were there for 3 weeks I think. He had a lot of people he wanted to see in a short time and the trip took us to Osorno. Now let me explain that my birthday is important to me. It is exactly 2 weeks after Christmas and therefore is often forgotten. Extended family would often overlook it in the post-Christmas craziness. Or they would say "Happy Birthday" to me at Christmas thinking that it covered both. Often school wasn't back in session. Friends would space it as well due to the timing. I had explained to J that my b-day was important -- I don't require fancy gifts, but I want the day to be for me. I want it to be special. And it is important to me that it be celebrated on the day itself. I firmly believe that we should all have our birthdays off from work as an extra vacation day. It should be special. Anyway, January 2001 we were in Osorno and J arranged for us to have lunch with his ex-girlfriend (now wife, M) on my birthday! I was like "Really? Can't we go a different day?" Well, the other days would have been awkward timing. So I was The Good Wife and I said, "ok" but I didn't like it. We didn't tell M that it was my birthday because then she would have been obligated to buy a cake or something. Since I really didn't know her (we had met in 1997), we didn't want her to feel like she had to make a big deal about it. Her now ex-husband, who by general consensus is a genuine prick, was there and was making unbearable conversation. He's an ob-gyn and was interrogating me about my fertilty, family planning, etc. It was pretty damn awful. J just sat there. M had a small terrier that peed everywhere in the house. So, it was banished to the kitchen and back patio. J and I later reflected on how it was M & her hubby's fault that the dog peed everywhere and that it was lack of training. M's daughter (then 8) had a TV in her bedroom. I think it was a Hello Kitty tv or something like that. J & I agreed that when we had kids they wouldn't have TVs in their bedrooms. Why am I going over all of this? Well - now he is married to M. I asked what happened to the terrier and this is what I was told: "Oh, it peed everywhere and was not trained at all. We ended up trading it in for a new one." Trading it in? "Yeah, he wasn't neutered and the breeder liked his genes. So she was happy to get him back and gave us a new puppy. It too was a problem and was peeing on the furniture. [M's daughter] hasn't trained it at all." Of course not. M's daughter is 14. You can't expect her to train the puppy. "Yeah, but it's supposed to be her dog and she just didn't train it. So, it now is an outside dog and lives on the patio. It survived its first winter outside and it was a harsh winter..." Oh my god. It survived its first winter?? What if it hadn't? I guess if you are the kind of person who just exchanges a dog, you really don't care. I was appalled. I didn't recognize the person I was talking to. He also told me that they had a basset hound and are thinking of getting a lab cuz a friend's dog had puppies. Why am I typing all of this? I guess because it freaked me out. The words coming out of J's mouth didn't sound like the man I had married. I guess that's because he's not.

The masochistic part of me that insists on picking at scabs until a scar is the inevitable result (there is physical evidence of this on my body so why shouldn't there be psychological evidence?) has a more damning interpretation of events. That part thinks that perhaps we trained such a great dog because our relationship was shit and we poured all our love onto the dog. We both definitely told the dog "I love you" more than each other. Maybe J's present dogs' lack of training reflects a healthy love between him & M. I mean, they are so busy loving each other that they don't have time to give enough love to the dogs. God that sounds retarded as I write it. Yet, I torment myself with thoughts like this.

I'm also remembering some of the bad parts not because I want to be bitter, I don't. But because I want to be accurate and I don't want to romanticize. I remember him saying to me that he had considered not marrying me because of the problems my brother has. J wasn't sure he wanted to marry into that. Wow. I know that when you marry someone you marry the whole family but isn't that a bit extreme? And then in Montreal when I gave him a summary of what Life With Phil is like, I think I saw relief in J's eyes. Kind of a "Whew. I'm glad I'm outta there!" look. I also remembered that in September 2001 when we drove to DC for the LASA conference things had already gone to shit between us and I said, "I guess it's a good thing for now that none of our 'what the hell' days worked." (We had a few days when we didn't use birth control at all just to see what would happen). I added, "Or if they had worked perhaps we wouldn't be having this mess right now. Or maybe it would come later. I don't know." He responded by telling me that he had been ambiguous about having kids with me because he thought I would be a bad mother. Yes, my husband told me that I would be a bad mother. That hit me hard. I think it still does. He was supposed to be the person who knew me, who chose to love me, better than anyone else. And he thought I would be a bad mother. I think a lot of my fear of having kids is because I wonder if he was right. It was a mean thing to say.

Well, I think I might be done processing the experience of seeing my ex. If there is anyone who has read all of this, I thank you for your patience.

The people in Montreal jaywalk (is that how you write it?) a lot. Well, they do seem to go to the corner to cross at the light, but they don't wait for the light to turn green or for the "WALK" sign (well, it doesn't say WALK, it's just the person) to welcome them. Regardless of the traffic signal, if there is a break in traffic the people cross the street. This is very different from So-Cal where such actions can get you a fine. I also noticed that there weren't any of those buttons for the pedestrians to indicate their presence and thus change the light to their favor. So I guess they really don't have a choice. I mean, during times it must be damn cold up there so you wouldn't want to just stand and wait for the light to change. AND there is no way as a pedestrian that you can speed up the light-changing process. I can see where crossing regardless of the light is a survival technique.

I also heard a few Montreal folk commenting on their taxes and health care. One was in a liquor store. I was buying some Quebecois liquors to bring home (one is Sortilege -- a whiskey with maple syrup and the other is iced cider). I commented on how liquor is really expensive there and the guy in the store said, "Yes, our liquor is expensive but that is because we have health care. Sure, in the US you get cheap booze but what percentage of your elderly cannot afford their medication?" Wow. I couldn't really disagree with him. He continued, "We pay high taxes but we think it's worth it for what we get." I said, partly because I wanted him to know which side I was on, "Yeah and we get Bush. Lucky us. And our taxes go fund a war in Iraq. I, too, would be willing to pay more if it went for universal health care instead." He tried to console me by saying, "But at least you are almost done with Bush. He can't have more than 8 years." It was an interesting exchange. I wonder if this Canadian pride for their health care system is a universal in Canada. Or, is it that the Quebecois tend to be more nationalistic in general and this is just how it manifested. Perhaps my Toronto friends can tell me what it's like there?