I can't stop crying. I saw my ex again yesterday. I miss him. I miss the shared history. I was such an idiot when we were together. I can't believe I let it go. I truly feel that I have fucked up my entire life and it is really too late to do anything about it. I'm trying to remind myself of the bad parts of our relationship. But I now think that they were probably all solvable if we just hadn't given up. If I just hadn't given up. I think eventually J had come around and was ready to work on our relationship but by that time I was done. I was so angry and hurt that it was just too late. I'm not angry anymore. Now I'm just sad. And he's married to someone else. And they have a beautiful daughter. He should have had kids with me. I should be the one in his life. And he should be in mine. But we both gave up. I moved 3,000 miles away. I ran away. I was young and foolish and angry. My anger drove such a wedge between us. It fueled resentment. I think J always had some intimacy issues and my anger made those worse. He was afraid to tell me things because he was afraid of my reaction. There was a big secret he kept from me for 10 years because he was afraid of how I might react. It had to do with why he and his fiance had broken up. Had I known about that, we could have worked through it. I am crying too hard to see the screen so I guess blogging about this isn't helping the pain either. I'm glad he's happy. I just really miss him. And I miss the idea of us being together. Like I said I keep trying to remember all the bad parts but I just can't seem to focus on those. I hate both of us for giving up. And there is a good chance that he always was in love with M, his new wife. They had dated before he and I got together. Then she went out with someone else and got pregnant and they married. After we split up and he saw her again (she was separated) and they fell in love, I asked him if he had always been in love with her. I had always felt like there was someone else he wanted to be with but I didn't know if that was just my insecurity. He said he isn't sure but maybe. I guess that would explain some of his intimacy problems. Up until the last year of our being together I never doubted that I wanted to be with him. I never entertained the thought of being with someone else. I think perhaps he was my soulmate and I let him go. God that hurts.