So I'm at this conference right now. My ex-husband emailed before the conference to tell me that he, too, would be here. I was really excited about the prospect of seeing him. Not sexually excited -- we didn't have sex when we were married; why would we now? -- but really looking forward to it. I was happy that he was going to be here.

He had a panel this morning at the same time that I was moderating one. When ours was over I waited outside the room where his was so I could say hello. It was good to see him. He has a baby! Not with him but he showed me a photo -- Amanda Alison. She's 8 months old now. He saw a photo of Shiva as my computer wallpaper and I saw his eyes tear up.

I'm glad that he is happy and that his life is good. So why am I depressed after our brief reunion? We're going to have lunch tomorrow so we can catch up some more. He told me that his step-daughter is now 14 and a moody teenager who talks back to her mother. I said that's normal and he said, "Yeah, it reminded me of you. I remember how you used to talk with your mother on the phone. I would have slapped you if I had been your mother." Wow. Really? I guess I don't remember having fights with my mom on the phone while we were married. That's so weird.

In a way it hurt to see him. It was good to see him but it hurt. Why? It's not like I want to get back together with him. I don't. But I guess it brought back the feelings of failure. I did fail. We failed. We didn't try hard enough. By the time he was willing to think about trying I had already checked out. And now I see him again and it brings it back. And although we're going to get together tomorrow for lunch I keep seeing him around in the halls -- usually from a distance. I have the urge to go up and spend more time with him. I am forcing myself to keep my distance. I don't want to seem as needy as I am.

And tomorrow? Once we finish talking about our families, Shiva, work... do I tell him that I might be failing yet again? Do I let him know that I do not have healthy relationships? If I tell him that, will it make him feel like it was all my fault. I mean, he can now have a good relationship and be happy. If I can't, then our divorce must have been all my fault, right? Am I really concerned that he will see it that way? Or is it that I really see it that way?

It's so weird because before coming to the conference I was excited to see him. While I was waiting for him outside of his room I realized that I was horribly nervous. And now I'm depressed. What an emotional rollercoaster. I feel like a crazy lady. Maybe I am.